robofille

Ummm so I'm addicted to Twitter and that's why I never use LJ anymore.

But ha ha, I feel a little crazy right now. I have a strange headache that gets worse whenever I tilt my head, so I picture my big dumb Jello-brain sloshing into the sides or something. I also have this creepy tunnel vision and it's making me jumpy since everything's all vague in my peripheral vision.

I have my textbooks stacked all over my bed (as I procrastinate...) and one of them slid off and thumped so loudly that I jumped, even while listening to music with headphones. I shook my bed a little as I jumped and my brain put the two together as something jumping onto my bed, ha ha. Like I looked up expecting to deal with some strange cat wtf. Ummmm.

Anyways. Back to this petit paper.

Sooo I kept thinking of my 2010 re-cap but we're already three days into 2011 so whatever:

- big break-up solidified New Year's Day

+ back to Japan (lol, - starting with a teeth-grinding trip with my dad instead of my ex lolol)

+++ back to the Kobayashi household :) :) :)

+/- lots of nightlife, crazy group of friends

+++ midnights with Heeral and Irish coffees.

+ getting comfortable with Japanese

+ getting brave enough to explore more of Osaka on my own.

+ fell in love with Kyoto and everything tucked around Sanjou.

+ 10 days in Tokyo by myself as a end-to-Japan.

+/- back to Denver. cried leaving Japan but so excited for home.

+ Heeral's visit!

+ going to Santa Fe to travel with Reina.

+++ lots of crashing at friends' houses.

- break-up drama, a lot of it my bad.

+/- started living by myself.

+ dating Yuta (since September! whoa.)

+ back to French! Although I didn't study all break and ahhhh.

Ummm! This year was so up-and-down but I'm thankful for that because now I feel like I can take on 2K11. I'm pretty happy to leave a lot of 2010 behind for the most part, but the good parts of it, I really really enjoyed. Broad spectrum.

FOR 2011:

graduate, go to France, go back to Japan, get back into something creative, EDIT: also, JOURNAL MORE!! write more!! in any language!! argh!!, find a job, become a morning person, put myself out there to meet loads of people, and value relationships.

Ummm it's four in the morning and I'm antsy and itchy to do something. I spent all night looking at tumblrs and blogs and digging around cutesy LiveJournal communities. I'm so internet-shy! I uhhh just made another LJ account to use for communities (maybe).. I feel strange commenting around with a journal full of goofball blah-blah-blah entries, ha ha. I could just make everything private too sooo whatever. Ummm.

I also combed through communities like pixelpeach and want to use bundles of obnoxious pixels everywhere. The tumblrs I dug through were similarly sugar-pink-sweet. I should embrace myself and admit I have ridiculous tastes here and there. I want to watch a bunch of Sailor Moon, ah ha ha.

Buuut I also should be on top of studying still! JLPT is neeext weeeek (!!! D: !!!) and I need to get cracking on Gibbs' reading list! Also already failing at my goal of watching a film every other night, hrmph.

Well, I guess I'm not? I finally saw Inception the other night and Harry Potter tonight (!!!!!!! AAKFJELK) soooo. Also hibernated at Yuta's place for like two days and we managed to finish Zettai Kareshi and most of season one of Fringe.

Yeah yeah yeah I love breaaak but I should be productive. And not, like, internet-productive. But ahhh I want to gobble up all the deliciously cute things I keep finding. Why am I not a teenager anymore. >:c

I always feel like when I tweet three times in about five minutes that I should just plop over to LJ instead.

I've felt happily engaged and productive today, even if I've only barely touched the load of work for finals week (THIS WEEK I did not realize it was this week whyyy). My apartment was being fumigated for bedbugs (!!!) today, so I've been killing time at cafes instead with my North Korea reading for Gibbs' class. I finished it, which really surprises me! I should really try to get more done tonight..

Speaking of which, finals are looking like this:

An oral presentation, composition, and regular chapter test for French. This is all super-manageable luckily, but also all due by Thursday.

A final paper for Gibbs' course, which I'm dreading to write but whatever. Covering all three books covered this quarter so loads of material for a pretty short paper at least. I think that's due.. Next week? Ha ha.

Another take-home for econ. that'll be due Monday. I hope this professor gets it together and hands it out tomorrow or rrrrgh. Little faith though. So excited to be done with this course..

And for both Helen and Michiko, translations. Michiko gave us an essay on foreign language so that seems like it should be fun to translate. The length is a little daunting but the deadline is Thanksgiving so ahhh I love you Michiko. Helen said she wouldn't even really be too hard on us as long as our English flows so.. Not a lot of stress there.

Anyways. I've spent a horrendous amount here by now, and blah blah blah whatever. Whatever, boring entry again.

I'm skipping econ class right now because boo-hoo econ. Actually, I came to Stella's and got so absorbed in my book that I lost track of time... (that's my story.)

Ummmm. Motivation to do anything.. Nada. Nothinnnng. I want to make cool shit rather than eat it up.

IT'S NOVEMBER!! How has this year passed so so quickly? I remember buying the last week of December all excited to keep track of everything.. And nothing!! It's collecting dust on my desk, which is also collecting dust itself. I should organize my apartment into something more livable than kitchen-bed-typewriter-on-the-floor. I cannot believe the end of the year is so soon. THE JLPT IS SO SOON TOO AND I HAVE NOT BEEN PREPARING AT ALL FOR IT.

I really want to get myself into the habit of having.. Study-hobbies. Like, no wasting time with English magazines or books or sites when I could instead learn a bunch of shit with all that in French or Japanese. Hrmph.

Ummm what else. I am a complete slob. I can't believe I'm skipping a class today (yes I can) when I skipped a class last Thursday (zut alors). But then again I am pulling everything off anyways so urgh!! I should be better about self-studying!!

I ordered a copy of French Milk the other day and that it might be in my mailbox this week contents me so super-much. What am I doing with my life.

Rambling, sorry.

This is a super self-indulgent entry, sorry.

I've been on the edge of tears all evening, boo hoo. I suspect that it's ju~st my cycle since the littlest things keep setting me off, but I keep catching myself getting into this everything-has-sucked thought process. Like, I don't even know. when I get in these moods, it's like I can only remember negative things that've happened recently (or like the past year, whatever) and it sets me off in this panic that everything will suck forever.

that sounds so silly once I write it out, ugh, ha ha. I keep feeling guilty about absolutely everything lately. Everrrything. and it'll happen that my guilt concerning one thing leads to avoiding another thing, then that turns into guilt that spills over somewhere else. it's awful. it's so silly. ugh.

I don't even know how to finish this. I compose lengthy journals in my head as I go through my bedtime routine, but when I open up this page, bof, nada. rien.

what an oddly lonely day. I think this has been the first time I've felt a little down about living by myself. It's silly because it's not hard to just phone someone up to hang out but feeling like I should be studying (and maybe the need for introversion too) made me resist doing so. ha ha, I think part of this loneliness came from taking a night walk to the grocery store.. Which reminds me of sophomore year, and for whatever reason I would get into some rather lonely funks that year.

I think I opened up this page with the intent to write more but really can't remember about what. Probably French, routine, whatever. I hate getting this oddly stressed feeling at night, hrmph. I hate when moods like this just seem to be coming from the weather resembling a past year or month where I was down, rather than actually stemming from anything significant, you know? Setting new routines would do me good.. I can let myself get into a rut really fast during the school year, ha ha.. It's only been a week! Tsk tsk at me.

I also miss Japan. I ran across some image online that reminded me of.. The city lights, I think, ha ha. And canned coffee. When the weather gets colder, I could see myself really missing the canned coffee routine. :( I haven't sent Rei-chan's birthday package yet (OVER A MONTH AFKJAKLE) and the more I wait, the guiltier I get so I try to ignore it and then poof, forever-cycle.

Oh well. From now, Classe tous risques and vanilla tea should do well, yeah?

I slept so fucking hard last night. I like, hammered the pillow with straight snooze, it felt so so good to wake up today. I thank first week of classes for that.. And an awesome Thursday night, ha ha. A date to a cocktail party at the science museum? Yes please! Wandering around the dinosaur exhibit with a beer left me giddy like a little kid, ha ha.

I'm excited for this quarter. Monday afternoon, I was freaking out but after meeting with a few professors and adjusting my schedule after re-assessing my credits, I'm pretty confident. French on Monday morning had me realize HOW MUCH I NEED TO REVIEW. I cannot string together a French sentence, and all my fillers are Japanese.. Partner talk with all my なんかs and えーとs also is tremendously awkward.. But I can push it!! I want my French minor like fucking mad.

I also realized I only need two more economics courses to secure that minor.. One of which I'm taking this quarter. I had signed up for another, but dropped it so I can focus more on Japanese.. It would have interfered with the Denver kaiwa group which I need need need! Setting up Japanese independent study has kind of been a bitch thus far.. Ideally, I want to do a reading group with Helen and a JLPT practice with Michiko, buuut we'll see. Also need to get the language table going on campus, ahhh.

Overall, I'm happy. I like being busy again.. I just need to not procrastinate. I don't think I will though, since now I'm at the point where I genuinely like each class. Gibbs' history course will also be a good lead into my thesis.. I just need to come up with more topics! We were talking about a gender studies topic, hmmm.. I just wish my Japanese were up to speed to actually be doing research 日本語で but whatever.

I used to be more self-aware and I'm frustrated that that's disappeared. Sometimes this summer, I find myself surrounded by people who keep me grounded long enough to let some of that self-awareness come back, but then I get antsy and flutter away for a bit.

It's also hitting me how I've acquired the personality trait of talkativeness. That almost bothers me a little because I'm not talking about anything interesting.

I still poke around in places that I know will just bring up bad ugly feelings. Actually, I'm afraid a lot of my lost self-awareness stems from the fact that my feelings have felt a lot uglier in some moments this year. These past few weeks, not as much though. Which means I need to continue to not dig in heavy places, online and off. Vagueness is most polite here, I guess. Random encounter tonight though set these feelings off.

I need to be more careful about how I let people into my life. Lately, random dates have been more me selfishly trying to bust out of some shell. There's also some high in talking with someone who's essentially a stranger for a few hours.

All this is a borderline whine-fest despite this morning being awesome. Classes started yesterday, and my schedule is settling down into a really exciting beast.

All my French is gone! I cannot string together a sentence to save my life.. I read and comprehend spoken French just fucking fine, but my brain can't get past Japanese syntax... I need to wicked review. I need to hide away from everrryone and wiiicked review until I puke.

But I'm confident I'll get back up to speed if I ganbaru. If I can get a bit of a grip on Japanese, I can do this too. My minor will work out, I ran into Jackie today and going to France next summer would complete that. I'm going.

I also spoke with Helen and Gibbs today about Japanese independent study and my thesis. Both meetings turned into fluid conversations about coming back from Japan, and plans for the future. Both were encouraging, like so incredibly encouraging. Helen wants to come to the Denver conversation clubs with me, Gibbs kept piling books and movies on me, I'm happy to realize I have these sort of relationships with my professors.

Hmph. I think I outline journal entries much better in my head. I also need to journal more about concrete shit. Uhhh. Why am I so awkward sometimes, ha ha ha.

I suck forever, ha ha.

I AM FINALLY OUT OF MY PARENTS' HOUSE! My family is chill, Roxborough is beautiful, blah blah blah whatever buuut I'm so happy to be in my own place finally. Even though it's weird to feel like my oven is in my bedroom and I'd have a hell of a time having people over, my studio makes me pretty happy. It feels so big! Granted, I've hardly unpacked since this weekend exploded into hang-outs all over the place, but I have so much time between now and classes starting..

I also have more vodka than groceries at the moment, ha ha. Thanks to friends who know how to gift well, Pan-kuntachi~

But I am also eating like two-year-old instant ramen from a mixing bowl (too lazy to find regular bowls ha ha ha) so I should get off my butt. I have so many little things to find before this place is in order! How on earth do you set up a studio?! Whatever. EDIT: ABORTING THIS STRAIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN >:(